Home Brew, Loko Style!

Last night when i got home i literally slammed into the door, because i was sooo tired (and the lock's broken). This is because i was a FUCKING MACHINE at work. Anyway I'm simultainously exhausted and ravished and oBvs not thinking straight. So my mom's like (because she has the weirdest sleep sched ever, and is ofter awake/dozing on the couch at 2:30am) there's some minestrone soup in the fridge. FALSE! I don't know what that shit was, some beef and onion contraption, but there is no fucking way you could pass that shit off as ministrone. I OF COURSE didn't realize this until there was a big hot fucking spoonful in my mouth then immediately all over the kitchen sink. Ugh, i can't even talk about this anymore because i've gagged twice just typing this.

So! there is no food in the house except this two day old 1/2 of a garlic bread-stick that's been in my bag since purchase. I'm gnawing on this bread-stick, that i literally can't even chew because it's so dense, and falling asleep. About 10 minutes (one bite) later a commercial for Brew Masters comes on, and my haze is instantaneously gone because i realize the first bottle of my fucking beer is sitting in the fridge waiting to be opened. Let me tell you in that half second long moment of dawning fucking realization, mystery spluge on my shirt, pants reaking of rancid milk, mouthful of soggy bread: I almost fucking cried.

I throw myself out of the recliner like a kid whose grandparents have just loaded up on sugar then sent home. My expression is of the utmost seriousness (not a trace of smile) and my pupils dilate as i throw open the door the the fridge and there, basking in the majestic rays of halogen light is the first bottle of Hef-a-what???. So i drink it, and?

Ehh. I mean if someone handed me it i'd be like, "this beer's alright." but it lost all the little subtleties it had in it's primary stages, and a Haywire Hef it is not. Anyway i'm pretty disappointed about it, and will def be brewing beer like, as soon as i finish writing this, and far more regularly at that.

*Side note! In the summer it's better to drink wheat ales because they keep you slightly more hydrated and therefore more refreshing. Also Haywire is best served with an orange, not a lemon as is usually custom (and this is WAAAYYY before Blue Moon, thank you very much).

So i needed to make something to boost my spirits/cure my broken dreams, which brings me too: Four Loko Home Brew!

For supplies you need:
1 monster
bag of jolly ranchers (preferable 5 blue raspberry & 5 watermelon)
1 bottle St. Ides (I used Colt 45)
Sprite

First i was under the impression the Four Loko was now illegal, but someone should probably tell my local SR Liquors, because i was shocked still when i walked past the fridges and saw this:


Then my brain was like, "It still exists? What the fuck am i doing this for?" Then the other part of my brain was like, "Why the fuck do you do any of this shit?" And i had to agree with the later part, so GAME ON!

I don't really give a fuck what people think about me, for the most part. That being said i've developed a nice rapport with the Shop Right Liquors guy over the past two months, and couldn't face him with a shopping basket full of just the aforementioned items, so i bought some DFH 90min as well, because i love it (also has anyone seen the 120min? 'cause i've been searching far a wide. Anyway stay on the look out). I still practically screamed: "I HAVE GOOD TASTE! please don't judge me," at the guy. Well, fuck him.


Basically put 5 watermelon jolly ranchers in a jar and 5 Blue Raspberry into another jar (i only had 4 blue ones because jolly rancher skimped out on me, cheap bastards). Split the monster between the two.


At this point you're also supposed to add a caffeine pill, but i fully intend to test this on Phil and Nanc, and the last thing i need is for either of them to have a heart attack from one of my experiments. Also i'm pretty sure my dad on Caffeine pills would be a nightmare, so this is 4 loko lite. Cap jars and put them in the fridge until ranchers dissolve, which is the same amount of time it takes for my mom to find her sweatshirt/car keys/mind, drive to the library, not get a book, and come home, which is 8 hours (or 4 if you don't go by the roman calendar).

So i've only actually "legit" Four Loko-ed once, and believe me, that was enough. We had just driven back to SF from a wine tasting expedition (DPL, The Spreenster, and her girl K) and decided upon Sam Wu's (this little shack in Chinatown with bomb noodles, and your food arrives on dumbwaiters) to refuel. It's BYOB, so of course we go to a liquor store nearby first. I had secretly been dying to try some of this for over a month, and so i of course grab a can, because why wouldn't i follow up a day of wine tasting with the most dangerous alcoholic beverage on the market? duh. Anyway i ended up speed walking around the bar we were at all night, then almost falling alseep standing up on the dancefloor after repeatedly making the live band give me high fives. I woke up the next morning naked in bed (i don't know why) with the feeling that i never wanted to move again/run a three minute mile simultaneously which was just TOO much for my brain. I vowed then and there, that Four Loko would never again be apart of my life.

Now that our "wort" has "fermented" we're ready to "Brew" some loko. That last sentance was bull shit, "You can't pee into a mister coffee and get taster's choice." Well said Dana Carvey. Pour in some of your malt liquor of choice, top out with a little sprite, and i promise you it tastes 100x better then the actual shit.




Dad: I like this, pour some of that in a glass over ice.



Mom: This tastes like adult Koolaid.
Me: Do you want a glass?
Mom: No.

So basically i drank one and 1/2 of these and will probably end up alone in my room at 3am finishing off that bottle of Colt 45 and listening to The Arcade Fire. Theoretically this should make me sad, but i am sort of looking forward to it. Thanks life, this Four Loko Lite's for you.