So... Yesterday

So yesterday was ridiculous, and it starts with insomnia, I get it sometimes. This last bout was super annoying. I'm not sure how other people react (i don't know, i'm not a doctor), but for me it's like you're exhausted, and you want to sleep, but ants are like crawling under your skin, and it's hard to do anything, but you can't do nothing. So totally awesome. I figured I'd brush my teeth, because that's never a bad idea, and am greeted by a gigantic zit on my chin, hooray. I go down stairs to greet the world, and it's freezing. I'm in this weird state, it's like 6:30, and it doesn't even occur to me that there's a problem. What does occur to me is that my dad is being cheap about the heating bill, which has been known to happen. Instead i crawl back under the sheats of mockery and proceed to spend my bonus check on hobby supplies (Fear not DPL, rent check in route), instead of things i actually need, like socks. What can i say, priorities.
Finally my parents join the ranks of the living, and we realize, oh shit the furnace is out. So Nanc calls for oil delivery, and dad gives me the keys to start his car for our big costco adventure, then proceeds to lock the door behind me. I can't unlock the door to the car, or the house for that matter (the parentals are fuck knows where), when i remember oh yeah, i got pulled over last night because my headlight's out. So without gloves, in 12 degree weather i wrestle the hood of my car open and dig out the cold metal lamp, which looks fine. I mean i know something about lights after throwing 4 years and a few g's into education, and this bulb is looking a-ok. I don't realize this until my dad finally decides to let me into the house, and my fingers are otter pops. My dad, then, fills up a bucket of hot water (which i don't know how i missed because i was under the impression that the hot water was out all day, not true), and dumps it on the door lock which miraculously opens to a world of dead battery. Meanwhile i replace my light, and change the fuse which for some reason i happen to have, and is the ONLY thing that worked out that day. We decide to jump my dad's car, the hood latch is broken, we don't go to costco.
The oil guy arrives, my dad oversees, my mom declares we're going to see The King's Speech, and is two dollars and nintey-eight cents worried enough to buy the tickets online, in advance, for a Saturday mattenee of a late 1930's English drama. two dollars. This is when i start making my French Macaroons, which do not turn out because i went for the cheaper almond flour that's not ground enough, and apparently, can be finer ground by neither coffee grinder nor food processer. It doesn't sieve well to say the least. Fucking sieves.




I've successfully made French Macaroons before, and my biggest disappointment was that we didn't have any food coloring in the house. So i'm all gung-ho about the food coloring, and decide red, definitely red. You can imagine the upset when i rip open my mom's box of food dyes to find that the only color missing is, in fact, red. Then i find this professional looking red food dye, get super excited again, and it's completely dried out. Talk about double upset all the way across my heart.


Now i think blue, you know, to fit my mood, and it doesn't come out dark enough. Now i'm all, "green's never let me down before!" and the batter turns out looking like puke with almond chunks.

That black sheet is a reusable baking sheet, and the worst invention ever created. The only other thing i could find was this wax freezer paper, and was like, "Dad can i use this freezer paper in the oven?" And he's like, "Freezer muffins?" And i snapped and was like, "Just don't talk to me." (Which i'm really sorry about dad. You are the wind beneath my wings, truely.) (Also later i was like, "Mom why don't we have any parchment paper?" And she's like, "What are you talking about?" And proceeds to pull a box the size of a microwave out of Narnia, and it's literally full of parchment paper.) So i end up not using anything, and despite excessive Pam-nation, they hardcore stick to the sheet and end up like this:


Flat, which is not at all what they should be. Also i made a total mess of the kitchen:

*Note not only the giant bag of powdered sugar we happen to have, but the 'Blue Tape Method' my mom uses to bug-free our house.

So now it's movie time, and the furnace is still not working. So my dad's like, 'i have to stay and wait for the guy to call back,' and my mom's like, 'fuck that i bought tickets,' so they hatch a scheme that my mom will run out of the theatre when her phone vibrates, tell the guy what to do, then my 90 year old grandpa (who is not invited to the film) will help him. AKA: the worst idea of all time. Thankfully the guy calls while we're in route, and can access the furnace without the help of Popou, hallelujah. We get to the theatre, i use my mom's card to get the tickets out of the machine, i give her the card and her recite, give the lady the tickets, and my mom gives her the recite, and is denied entry until we come back for her. We're just in time for previews, which we watch for ten minutes, and just when the film is starting my mom declares she's going to get some snacks, which makes no sense, and comes back with chicken fingers. At the movies. Chicken Fingers.

After we get home and find that the guy my parents hired to clean the furnace months ago, actually did no such thing, and we have to clean it before the pipes will work. I am exempt from this because i have to go to work in an hour, and it's a messy business. Here's my mom, off to go kill her some injuns:



I actually feel bad about this, and instead try to make a second batch of macaroons at my mom's suggestion. "Just whip the shit outta those peaks, and maybe they'll hold." I may have add-libed that a bit. I use the coffee grinder approach this time to no avail. I got color crazy again, and attempted both blue (my mood) and green (my fav). They are slightly higher, but not much.

here's a side by side:


Meanwhile my parents were doing this:




What troopers. Here i went to work, made it home without being killed, and got some sleep, hoor-fucking-ray.

This morning i awoke to find my mom in my room digging through my coat pockets at 8am. I say, "'morning mom," which i though what pretty nice considering the clear invasion of private property that was going on. Her response was, "WHERE'S MY DEBIT CARD?!? YOU USED IT TO GET THE MOVIE TICKETS!" and the only thing i could think to say was, "chicken fingers," which apparently she understood, because she said, "Oh," and slowly walked out of the room, leaving my jacket in a pile on the floor next to the contents of my pockets. I promptly went back to sleep, because it was clearly not the right time to be awake.

I got up at noon, and was greeted by 'muffins,' that my dad made out of a cake batter recipe, and were actually icing-free cupcakes. I think he put the leftovers in the freezer with blue tape method (hens-forth BTM). Also there was something up with his eyes, and i swear to god it looked like he was wearing black eyeliner. I wasn't sure what to say, ("Do you have something to tell me?" didn't seem appropriate.) and was like, "are you tired?" and he was like, "not really." Then my mom came home and was like, "Phil you've got furnace grease all around your eyes." She proceeded to take it off with make-up remover, getting cotton stuck in his chin stubble, to which he declares, "I'm the new Burl Ives." Look out land of misfit toys!

He and Nanc went to borrow some space heaters, or 'ceramic heaters,' as she calls them for no apparent reason. They came back a second ago, and i was like, "Where are the heaters?" and mom's like, "Oh, we left them in the car." So at this point i'd say things are pretty much back to normal. We still don't have heat, i still have a huge zit on my face, my dad's car still doesn't work, the heaters are pointed at the pipes in the walls and not at me, and i still don't have any fucking macaroons, but Se-la-vie, life is good. I'm going to go buy some socks.