The Pretzel Girl

I need to buy a new coat, because my old one ripped. i LOVE this coat, so i thought, i know! I'll look online, i'm sure they're still selling this 7 year old deep wine Calvin Klein car coat i found in the burlington coat factory bargain bin in Sabastabol Ca. Shouldn't be a problem!
I didn't find it if you were curious. Anyway for literally the past 3 years my mom has been on me about coats, because she has a zillion of them, and deemed them all better then mine for no reason other then i own it/picked it out myself. So obviously it's not good enough, as is true of all clothing a set my eyes on (Whoa passionate tangent). This is significant because every time i leave the fucking house she tries to shove another coat in my face, so if you've ever seen me in any coat other then my 7 year old deep wine Calvin Klein car coat i found in the burlington coat factory bargain bin in Sabastabol Ca it's because i lost the fight. Usually it's this gi-gundo floor length grim reaper coat my sister used in Rochester NY. I can't stand this coat so much that i am literally afraid of it, and the reaper. (haha! *nudge) But alas, it's time is through. So if you happen to see a coat and think, 'That's Lauren!' (which, why wouldn't you?) holla at me.

Anyway I was all ready to talk about bottling beer today, but alas, it needs a few more days.


What can i say, it has it's own agenda. I didn't blog making it, because this blog didn't exist yet, and also i accidentally bought a kit for this one, and that's cheap. You're better then that, me. But bottling can be a bitch, and i'm a blog about it. But now, on ward and upward to pretzels.

So i'm making these Alton Brown pretzels, but adding Asiago, which can be added to anything. Also i've been craving them for weeks.

add

• 1 1/2 cups warm (110 to 115 degrees F) water
• 1 tablespoon sugar
• 2 teaspoons kosher salt

To a bowl, throw a packet of yeast on top, let sit 5 min.

In a separate bowl mix together

• 22 ounces all-purpose flour, approximately 4 1/2 cups
• 2 ounces unsalted butter, melted

I weighted the flour out on my mom's sweet scale:

And let me tell you something, that is 22oz exactly, and it wasn't even near enough. I know bread do is usually the stickier the better, but not if you can't get it out of the bowl. So thanks Alt.
So mix everything together with the knead hook of your mixer, or your hands. Here i added the cheese (i used about 2 dollars and 43 cents worth):

Grating cheese is one of my least favorite things in the world (along with the slaughtering of innocents and Jewel), but nothing compares to it. You can't food process it as nicely, and don't even attempt that store bought, pre-shred crap. It's just one of those things we all have to put up with sometimes. Put the majority of it in the dough, and save to rest for the top. Let sit in a warm place for an hour.

Check out that duck prosciutto in action, sweet! Preheat oven to 450, set a pot to boil,
and let's roll (8 pieces about equal in size [yeah right] in 24 inch ropes). Which is when my dad started singing, "Here comes the pretzel girl, the pretzel girl, the pretzel girl. Here comes the pretzel girl who lives in her parent's attic!" Sweet song dad, this totally added to the pretzel experience.



Shape those bitches, and boil for 30 seconds individually. Put them on a sheet pan with parchment paper (from Narnia) and oil. Dose them in butter and the remaining cheese, and bake until as golden as the rays of the sun (12-14 min). Here i should warn you that my family refers to pretty much everything i make as, 'rustic,' which sometimes is being gentle on their part. The point is everything tastes good.



And Ta-da! Delish pretzels the bitch Auntie Anne would punch you in the throat for (i may be exaggerating a little).



Anyway my ThinkGeek catalog just came it, so obvs i've got better things to do. Peace!