Spice up your life!

Indian food! Indian food! I love Indian food!!! 

Really though, i love it. You know what i don't love? Harvey walking all over the fucking keyboard constantly. I swear she's being the neediest fucking cat this week. "Oh you want to sleep? I'll just lie on top of your head so you can't breathe... better yet i'll somehow take up 3/4 of the bed even though i'm the size of football. 3am on your day off? Time for a head butt to the face, wet nose first! How about i roll around on the kitchen counter while you're trying to cook? Extra flavor! Feed me. waaah." Which is why i through the bitch out. Go frolic in the woods Harvey, leave the place-mats alone.

Speaking of needy, i saw Popou for 5 seconds this morning, and somehow now i have to clean the gutters, take him to lunch, pick up his prescription, buy him a dvd recorder for his vcr, show him how to record vhs off the tv, and take him to church.  All i want to do is lie by the fire and read Game of Thrones.

So anyway... I love India food, and Phil hates it. Which is why I'm making it all week while they're off having the time of their lives. I text DPL to see how they were and she was like:

DPL: Mom brought me 5 cans of Campbell's Cheddar Cheese Soup because she didn't think we had it out here.

LNP: What do you even use that for?

DPL: I don't know, casseroles? I don't think i've ever used it.

LNP: She brought you all of your favorites!

But the best part is: 5 CANS! Never mind that it's fucking cheddar cheese soup. Forget that she didn't think they had Campbell's in California, and don't even trip that that was the house warming present she picked out for her oldest daughter. Nanc went out of her way to not only buy, but smuggle 5 CANS of soup in an over stuffed suitcase, a soup that you probably won't even use 5 cans of in your life, and i just love her soooo much. 5 CANS, can you believe it?

The awesome thing about Indian food is that it's super spicey. The not awesome thing about Indian food is that spices are expensive and some of them are hard to find. But i was like, 'Whatever, a solid investment for the future.' So my mom has these cardamon seeds, but they're kind of tan and were at one time green, so i was like, "No way i'm fucking using that shit." but then i couldn't find cardamon seeds anywhere because the world was apparently sold out of them (which, okay the most random thing to be sold out of) so then i was like, "I'm so glAd mom had these aWEsome cardamon seeds, what a peach!" One day i'll go to a real spice shop (that day was supposed to be today, but apparently I was pre-booked). So i start to make Garam Masala (a spice blend) and you have to, like, shell the cardamon seeds which is such a bitch! and i am so fucking over cardamon seeds, get out of my life... for now. I'm starting to sound bitter, time to spice it up!

It's de-shelled Cardamon seeds, broken cinnamon sticks, cloves, peppercorns, cumin seeds and coriander seeds that you dry roast, cool, and then grind together.

Spices are pretty. Hey remember when i was like, 'Spices are expensive, but whatever, a solid investment for the future.' Yeah, not when you use all of them to make one spice blend. So now i have 2 1/2 bottles of Garam Masala, and not enough spices for the rest of my food. The killer is at the bottom of the recipe it says: This recipe may be cut in half. Which is why you should read the whole thing through before you start, Lor. But hey! If you need some Garam Masala hit me up! Because really, who doesn't?

So then you brown the beef, and put it to the side, and caramelize some onions with fine chopped ginger and garlic, add a diced tomato, ground cumin, ground coriander, turmeric, red pepper flakes...

And finally some yogurt, let it cool, and then blend it. And this is no joke. If you try to blend something thats hot, it just explodes and splatters the whole kitchen, and you get really pissed off, and start yelling at everyone for no reason, and then go to bed early. Ask DPL about my Mexican Hot Chocolate.

 So then you dump that in a pot with the beef, and put together a spice bag of bay leaves, ground cinnamon sticks, cardamon pods (my fav!), and cloves:

I mean beautiful. This... not so much:

It looks like two different kinds of poop with a wedding favor. Add four cups of water, and bring to a boil:

turn down the heat, and simmer the shit out of it for like 3 hours (ba-dum ching!). You can also do this in the oven. Oh, also this is called Saag Gosht: Beef in Fragrant Spinach Sauce.

So anyway, onto the Phool Gobhi Paratha: Cauliflower-Stuffed Bread. 

 Grate some Cauliflower, then stuff in in some bread:

Ha! I wish. Actually you sautee the grated Cauliflower, with ginger and tumeric (which kind of smells like dirt) red pepper, and salt. Then you make a mix of various flours, and, like, rub oil into it? and let it sit for a while, then you can stuff it and roll it out.

I think this bread is a type of round chipati, which reminds me of Bend it Like Beckham, which i used to watch, like, everyday my freshman year of college and kind of forgot about until now.  I tell that story at parties a lot.

Speaking of parties, around this point KMac called me and was like, "I'm Bored... cabin fever" because she had hand surgery and is not aloud to live for a week. So i was like, "Come over for Indian" and she did, and i wasn't paying attention, and burned the first round of bread.

But also the spatula like melted on the pan, so i was like "we are not using this pan" and i went to grab another one, and:

 The shelf totally broke! So i was like, whatever, i'll deal with that tomorrow (which reminds me, i have to deal with that). And the only pan that wasn't in there was my panini pan, which actually ended up leaving some pretty marks.

Also at some point you boil some spinach in salt water and mix that in with the beef and add the garam masala. And tada!

KMac posted a pic of this and all of her friends said it looks like poo, but whatever, it tastes like golden dreams. 

 And then she was like, "Hey it's like Indian Beef Stew." And i was like, are you fucking kidding me? because she's right. The one week i can come home and not wonder if there's gonna be a pot of beef stew on the stove, and what do i do? Put a pot of beef stew on the stove. "Good one Lor." pretty much sums up this blog, but I think P.G. Wodehouse put it best:

"Unseen, in the background, Fate was quietly slipping the lead into the boxing-glove."

Tea-ser!

         So actually i'm making Indian food, but for lunch i decided to have tea and a cucumber sandwich to celebrate the British conquering of India, effectively bringing Indian food back to England, and eventually the United States. JK, jk. 

Actually it's because my parents bought a cucumber before going on vacation and were like, "Try to eat that." Also i really like cucumber sandwiches and we had a ton of cream cheese for reasons which will become apparent in a future blog.

 Afternoon Tea is actually one of my favorite things, probably because i'm a stupid American. But DPL and i have been having tea time since we were little and i was a special needs child:

Nice sandals woman.

 If you're wondering what happened to that tea set it's here:

In my dresser. Why, you ask? I stopped asking questions months ago. If you're wondering what happened to DPL's shirt i just don't have the answer for you, but you and me both. This is starting to look like a family epidemic.

Anyway there's this huge afternoon tea schematic in the back of the JOY of cooking, so maybe DPL and i will do a tea blog when she comes home for Christmas. We can even use the same tea set! Hey look at that. Alright see you in a few hours with some (hopefully) delicious Indian food.

The In-Law Invasion

I know what you're probably thinking, 'Lauren you're neither married nor been in a relationship since the beginning of time, how can you have in-laws?' And the answer to that is simple, i don't. My sister, however, does, and since you basically can't have one Pappas without inheriting the whole pack, I sort of do. But let's start at the beginning. 

I come home from a long day at work to find what anyone would expect to see on their kitchen stove at 11:36 at night, a stockpot wrapped in foil filled with water and a coffee tin of paraffin wax being covered by a frying pan that is also full of water.

Nanc has many passionate qualities, but her true life's passion is fire-starters. She loves making them, she loves creating new ones, she loves wrapping them, she loves making me wrap them, she loves an opportunity to use them, she JUST loves them.

The basic fire-starter is an empty toilet paper roll stuffed with laundry lint and paper, covered with paraffin wax.  Versions and materials may very sligthly, but that's the basic jist of it. Also it explains the wax pot.

So anyway i get home, and i'm like barely standing, but i still manage to take a picture of this before Nanc sneaks up behind me and freaks me the fuck out. Then she's all, "Have you eaten?" and i'm like, "Not recently." and she's like, "Okay, there are cold-cuts in the fridge." and i'm like, "Okay, maybe I'll make a sandwich (but totally not planning on making one)." Then she's like, "Good, you can make me one too!" So, great. While i'm now roped in to making/eating sandwiches she reminds me that DPL's husband Scotty's parents are staying with us tomorrow night, and we're making dinner. And by we she means me because she has to work the next day. Also don't forget the appetizer and desert. Great. So they already bought a pork loin, which we just marinated in gravy master, coated with fresh herbs/olive oil/salt, and grilled. And also some heirloom fingerling potatoes that she made into rosemary potatoes, but was pissed that i didn't think to wash them before she got home despite me making three other overly complicated dishes. Anyway i made:

Butternut Squash Galette (appetizer)
Zucchini Fritters with Yogurt Sauce (veggie dish)
Peach Kuchen (dessert)
Kentucky Lemonade (cocktail)


So then i went shopping, and after dicking around in Barnes and Nobles for hours, it was time to buy ingrediants.

 Fail Aisle!

 At that point i was ready to start in on the cocktails.

7 lemon's juiced, 1/2 cup maple syrup... and let me just stop you for a second here. I was kind of grossed out by this, but then realized a) that it's really just another type of sugar, and b) i already basically drank this mixed with cayenne pepper when i attempted the Master Cleanse 4 years ago and lasted about 2 days before almost eating my hand off. Good times. 

2 1/2 cups of water. Mix, chill, pour over glass of ice with 1 - 1 1/2oz of bourbon (depending on how much you like the taste of bourbon) and enjoy.

Also earlier in the day i found this old Jelly Belly candy despenser, and was like, "I gotta put that to good use!" but fuck jelly beans. 

It's all about the peanut M&M's (right KMac? right.) But also...

Blasphemy! I mean find another place to store your coors light, Phil.

Hey remember when i was like, "I don't want to live in a house without cherry grenadine"? (It happened.) Well a half bottle spilled all over the kitchen counter and floor because they didn't seal the unopened lid correctly, and at that moment i did. Don't worry, i'll get over it.

Also Nanc took it upon herself to loose the rolling pin, so luckily Scotty's dad came up with a quick fix:

No worries, nobody likes Merlot. Anyway this is the butternut squash and caramelized onion galette:

It's basically roasted butternut squash, caramelized onion with cayenne, and fontina cheese half wrapped in a sour cream and lemon pie shell. And if it's possible for this to be more delicious then it looks/sounds, it is. 

Then i made some other delicious things, but forgot to take pictures because i was too busy in conversation/ laughing at Phil for trying to open the flour crusted Merlot bottle with a cork screw even though it was a screw top.

Anyway Peach Kuchen (which i'm going to give you our family recipe for) kind of sounds gross, but is actually one of the most delicious things you can eat. Basically you put the powdered mix from a yellow cake box in the food processor with a stick of butter and half a cup of shredded coconut, then press it into the bottom of a rectangular cake pan. Bake at 350 for 10 minutes.  Meanwhile drain a 29 oz can of peaches and mix them with 1/2 cup sugar and 1 teaspoon cinnamon. Line the bottom of the cake shell with that (you can throw in some of the can juice if you want) then mix 1 cup of sour cream with 1 egg (sounds gross, i know) and spread it over the top. Bake the whole thing for another 30min, and heaven.

It was almost gone before i could find my camera. Also it's a Pappas tradition to play Trivial Persuit when there's company, so we busted out the millenium edition because i left my most recent edition in boston at my aunts house, and half been kicking myself ever since. 

They have cool topics like skateboard, cats, and a midsummer night's dream. Billiards! (i'd honestly never noticed those little words around the edge before, but last night they were my favorite.Also i dominated that game, and i mean for serious. Watch the fuck out, trivial pursuit world.

This morning Nanc had two things to say to me and my dad.
1. "You guys, let's make a pact. Let's shake off the fire wood before we bring it in the house." Which, you had me at "make a pact" mom. That Maria Carey song is still playing in my head.
2. "From now on instead of throwing out junk-mail just wet it under the sink, tear it up, and stick it in these empty aluminum cans! We're making paper bricks, a new fire-starter!!"

Pure unadulterated passion. You got in Nanc.

Nothing like a dive bar on a Sunday Afternoon.

 So i just went through this epic wedding, which was undoubtedly fabulous, and deserves to be written about, fo sho. This was my total intent yesterday, but instead i spent the day eating chips and watching Lady Gaga videos, no regrets. Today i realized maybe i'm just not ready to write about this experience yet. I mean it was just so much and i don't want to leave anything out. Instead i'm going to tell  you about the day after, which was fabulous in the complete opposite way.

I get this call from KMac and she's all, "I miss your face! meet me at The Inn Crowd at 2." which (unspoken) will actually be 2:30. Unfortunately for once in my life i get there on time, and decide to zone out in my car to The Bends. So then Fake Plastic Trees comes on, and i'm just lying back contemplating my lfe (because that's what you do when that song comes on) and suddenly BAM! I shoot the fuck up and KMac is staring at me with an evil ass grin pounding on my window, bitch. Anyway time to wake the fuck up to reality, which is actually a bunch of bikers, one of which is in an american flag jacket something akin to this little ditty:

 And they're sitting on their bikes, then they start up their engines, and (i shit you not) american flag pumps up his radio and no other song but the one and only sweet home alabama is playing, of cOUrse! So this is already a good day.

Anyway we bust out to Caldwell, where i've never been, to the ringside, where i've never been. In the process we get completely lost because of road closures, and my lack of direction abilities (well both of our lack of direction abilities). At this time i should probably point out to you that i managed to take my hair down the night before, but passed out in all my makeup (cause i'm classy like that), so i look amazing.

Who took that picture laur? (basically you're going to see a ton of pictures of me today, i apologize in advance for the narcissism). Anyway as the Alkaline Trio cover of the Muppets Movin' right along states: Getting there is half the fun, come share it with me:

Oh yeah. So finally we make it to the Ringside, and there's a baby there... in a bar. Sweet. So at some point LK texts me and I'm like, "Come hang out with us." and i send her this pic:

 And she's like, "I can't, but don't do anything retarded... well anything else retarded."

So then we wander off to find this other bar Cloverfield and instead we find:

 That happiness is always in season. Life lessons! Then we find a garden:

 

Uh-oh, competition!!

Eventually we find this place which is actually called Cloverleaf, and is really awesome.

Stained glass, coffered ceilings, good beer, dog fish head coasters, what else could you ask for?

How about a bathroom door that looks like you're working in a detectives office! So i took this pic, and ended up in this waitress's way, and was all, "Sorry, just taking a picture of the office." And i think she thought i was crazy, which is then what i proceeded to tell our bartender, but about kmac (sorry bro). And then he was like, "ok." and we were like, "You're cool, come hang out with us!" and then we got his number, ran into some 5 years olds in a jazz band, bought peanut m&m's and went to some other bar in South Orange.

So i'm like, KMac, want some peanut m&ms." and she's like, "Ok." so i hand her one, which she immediately spits out and is like, "What, are you trying to poison me? I hate peanut m&ms." Which, OKAY, then don't take them! I mean i specifically said, "Do you want some Peanut M&Ms?" dUh.

This bar is like, alright. I mean it was really full of a bunch of douches who we ended up talking to for no reason, but also this guy Chris, who's a restaurant owner down the street, and talked to me about soccer (also he likes plaid shirts, which oBvi i'm a fan).

So then we went to the Gas Light which was empty, and i started to fall alseep (Which apparently i do whenever i go there? I just don't know.) But then we went to KMacs, and i woke up on the couch with two animals staring at me from either side, and just before i can remember where i am, Every Rose has it's Thorn starts playing, and i answer my phone and it's KMac. So i'm like, "Wanna go to breakfast?" and she's like, "Yes." and then we did, and we wandered around this cool grocery store (because apparently that's what we do on our days off) with awesome soda choices. and i was like, "I can't wait until i move here." and KMac's all, "Yeah, you can just pop in, grab a soda!" Which, not exactly what i was talking about, but true! Then she drove me back to my car, the end.

Monkey Poop Coffee

 So my dad's helping me bottle beer, and i'm like, "Want some pizza?" and he's like, "Duh." So eventually (forever) my mom gets home and we're about to go, but they're like, "Hold on, i just need to get dressed" for pizza (i mean come on). Anyway i wonder into the kitchen and i start to hear this voice, "Hey, you okay down there?" and i look around and there's no one. Then the same voice says something else, and i'm a little bit worried at this point that i'm hearing voices, but then i sort of recognize it as my Uncle's, and start to think i'm really insane (a common fear). Turns out i'm not (this time) and my Uncle George just decided to drive up from Virgina and surprise us. So i'm like, "Hey! we're going for pizza." and he's like, "I'm in." So we grab Phil, Nanc, and Popou (Harvey sat this one out), and journey off to the close (but shitty) pizza place up the block.
   So Uncle George pays for Popou's satellite tv (a yearly Christmas present) and therefore our tv (cause my dad was all, "Shit, i'll just by a box.) but his credit card expired, and they didn't call him about it, so our tv shut down, but this was during the hurricane, so we didn't have phone service or internet and thought it was all the same problem, which is ridiculous because satellite, duh. Anyway Popou calls uncle george and is like, "Indian giver!" and uncle george is like, "Whoa pops, sorry, i'll fix it." So then they're talking about this and Popou is all, "Buy me a ticket to Greece." (cause he's classy like that) and Uncle George is like, "Only if it's one way."
  About halfway through dinner Uncle George says (in a low whisper) "i got the monkey coffee!" and i'm like, "What?" and he's like, "it's like cat poop coffee accept better 'cause it's a monkey." And who can argue that point? I mean monkeys are rare... like fawns. So i'm like, "Hey, let's get some dessert too!" So i walk over to the mini-mart next door, and they don't have Enteman's so i ended up getting a 90 cent marble pound cake and haagn-daas coffee ice cream (cause it's the best). And i meet them at the car and i'm like, "Sorry about the crappy desserts." And UG is like, "Crappy desserts for crappy coffee!" Ba-dum Ching! 
  This coffee is from Indonesia and called Kopi Luwak.

So i start grinding it and he's all, "are you making a whole pot?" and i'm like, "i don't think so." and he's like, "How much are you making?" and i'm like, "I don't know yet." and he's like, "well don't drop any." and i'm like, "why?" because it's a hundred and thirty dollars a bag, that's why. So now i'm like, "shit." (Ba-dum ching!) But we end up making 8 cups, which = about a $60 pot of coffee. So popou goes to put milk in it, and i'm like, "drink it black!" and UG is like, "Well at least try a sip." And popou is all, "I drink black coffee because they wouldn't pay for sugar, never again!" and dumps like a ton of milk in it. My bad about the weird flash-back popou, sorry.

The coffee is pretty good, mellow and non acidic, but Uncle George said it best, "It's only worth the price for the first experience." Then he gave the Phil Pappas thumbs up:

But Phil Pappas will not be topped:

Breakfast of Champions

    As i may have mentioned before, we only have 5 minutes of hot water at a given time for showering; unless you plan on going for a polar bear swim, you're only going to be in the bathroom for a few minutes. Also the only bathroom that has hot water now is my parents because they put in some energy saving toilet thing in the main bathroom, so there's only 2 minutes of hot water there. I ask myself the question time and time again, "Why, after months of complaining, would they not only not fix the hot water, but install a device that allows even less?" The answer clearly is: they hate me. 
  Anyway so as i've just stepped into my parents shower, my mom knocks on the bathroom door and is like, "Can i come in?" And: Are you serious? No, no you can't come in. Also, also what could you possibly need in the five minute span of my shower that one of our other 2 bathrooms could not provide? You know what the only answer to that is? A shower. Fucking riddle me that, batman.

Today i made corned beef sandwiches based on a recipe i saw schleif make.

1. Caramelize some onions.

2. Make a grilled cheese, and heat up corned beef in skillet.

 3. Compose sandwich and devour.